You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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