My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
