cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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