i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
