my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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