Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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