if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Best friends brother. Beat that.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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