I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
