Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
