I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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