I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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