Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
