I puked a lego.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
