Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
