trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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