Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
