You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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