I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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