Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
