I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
