my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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