Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
