Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
