i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize