The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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