running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
