He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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