finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
