Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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