I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
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