woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
