if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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