i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
