my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
