I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
