so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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