he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
