I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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