I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
