My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
