I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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