...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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