I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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