I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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