i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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