i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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