Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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