I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
