benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
