I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
