I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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