how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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