So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize