just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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