I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize