ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
