I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
