I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize