and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
