I'm gonna have a badass scar
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Randomize
