please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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