As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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