just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I met the friendliest cop last night
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
