ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
