So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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